Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Planning

Murphy's Law definitely works in my life. No matter how much I plan in advance there is always something that pops up at the last minute to derail those plans. Now, I am not talking about not being able to make it to a movie or dinner type plans. I am talking about life plans.

I am a planner, its fun. I love to plan vacations even if I will never take them, or plan what my dream house will look like even if I know I will never build it. The thing is, by planning it I am pretty sure that something like it will come true even if it isn't exactly the original plan. For example, I planned to work in Hollywood. I even have the entire Oscar speech written, you know that speech that no one admits to having before they go onstage? Yep, mine is comitted to memory and no, I won't share it. Sorry. Well, I always planned to work in Hollywood as an actress, then as a writer. Never in a million years would I ever think that I would work in Hollywood in the Series Development office of one network and the Online arm of a studio. But, the plans got me so far then luck took over.

I know that a lot of people think I'm unlucky or that bad stuff just happens to me or even that I am negative - I have to be to have so many things go in the opposite direction of my plans, right? I've had that conversation with a friend or two. But the thing is, while it may seem bad at the time, whatever happens really is a blessing in disguise. Every single plan I have had that has been derailed has put me into such a better position I can't even imagine my life going any other way. Granted, I can live without the pain portion of this journey, but even that has a purpose in some way. I just don't know what it is yet.

This week, my latest plans have hit a major snag. Or at least I thought they did. I am in a situation right now where I cannot currently go back into my office. The commute is too long and the days are even longer, my body cannot handle the stress right now. I say right now because I am convinced that there is a way to fix what is wrong with me. Maybe not cure it, fibromyalgia is chronic, but at least stabalize it to the point where I can go forward with far less pain. My boss and I were trying to figure out a way to get me the time to do that without my losing the all important benefits that our family needs. Our plan isn't working so well - way too much bureaucracy, but we got pretty far into it. Then I got a letter that puts things into another perspective. The way the letter is worded, it will not help me with the plan my boss and I had originally made. In fact it stops that plan in its tracks. At first I thought this was a really bad thing - then I started thinking about the other ways I could accomplish the same goal. You see, the goal is for me to have the time to get better and then go back to work if I choose to, not to completely stop my working life. The new plan, the one we came up with yesterday and today, if we get everything right will allow me to do just that and might even be the better plan.

Yes, I gripe and complain. No, I am not the "graceful" invalid my grandmother was - I open my mouth far too much for that. But, in reality, I truly feel that deep down I am an optimist no matter how many times I have to change direction or how negative I sound in the process. So, I'll keep planning. Its a lot of fun, even when you have to make changes at the last minute, and usually the new plans are better than the old ones anyway.

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