Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Perfect Hearing

Yep, that's right. His hearing is absolutely perfect.

As in - nothing wrong.

As in - can hear everything we are saying.

As in - perhaps he is ignoring us. Us being his parents, his nanny, his manny, his teachers, his grandparents.

As in - time for the speech therapist.

ARGH!!!!

If it were only as easy as he needs tubes or hearing aids or something.

Please don't get me wrong, I want my child to be perfect in his own way whatever that way is. Its just, well, with tubes or hearing loss it is a mechanical problem and for some reason I can wrap my head around a mechanical problem a lot easier than a cognitive or behavioral problem.

Behavioral problems make me think that I am at fault because I am working or because I am not strict enough or because I am attempting a gentler form of discipline than I grew up with.

Cognitive problems make me feel as though my genes are screwed up. I already know they are. I am an Agent Orange child. For those of you who don't know what that is (and you may not because I don't think there is an official syndrome) it is what I call those of us who were conceived after our fathers were sprayed with the vile stuff in Viet Nam. My brain does not function properly. My brain sends pain signals when there isn't any pain. I am also dyslexic. The dyslexia is, however, known to be genetic. Either way, my synapses do not fire properly. What if I passed that onto my son?

OK, I know. I shouldn't beat myself up for any of these reasons and I am working hard to find a way to help Sammy. However, saying it and believing it are not the same thing especially when the testing was hard on both of us - non-invasive, but hard. I mean, who wants to sit still with things in your ears when you are 2?

Any which way you slice it, this is not an easy problem with an easy solution. I should have expected that. Nothing in my life ever is.

Then again, I could just be feeling this low because we changed my meds as of yesterday. Trust me, this is a good thing. We're bringing my dosages down.

I'll give myself a day or so to be blue. Then onto the speech therapist.

Is that a good plan?

No comments: